My name is Lisa Smith. I am a victim and a survivor of an abusive relationship. In my four blogs, I shared with you the horror I experienced in nearly being murdered by a man that I dated for 4 months, my recovery, what I learned, how I healed and who I am, my background and the birth of Relationship Truth. Today, I’d like to talk about healthy and unhealthy relationships.
Welcome to Relationship Truth, my business and brand. Relationship Truth is an UNapologetic, UNcut and UNbreakable movement to end relationship abuse.
My mission is to…
- Speak at high schools and colleges across the United States
- Educate and empower young adults about healthy and unhealthy relationships
Today, I’d like to talk about what an unhealthy relationship LOOKS and FEELS like.
Identifying Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships
Let me ask you something…
Have you ever felt unsafe around your partner?
Do you feel like you’re constantly arguing and fighting?
Have you hid things from your friends or family and refrained from telling them what was really going on in your relationship?
These are definitely signs of an unhealthy relationship!
I’m going to share with you something that I’m not proud of…
It’s difficult to talk about at times because it saddens me. I was engaged in 2012. My ex-fiance and I had a very tumultuous relationship.
Here’s my secret – I was abusive towards my ex-fiance.
I was heavily abusing alcohol and drugs. My ex-fiance had an explosive temper. Together, our relationship was doomed to fail.
Looking back, I realize that we were both very unhealthy.
And that a key component to a healthy relationship is when both individuals are healthy, have self-awareness and self-love. I certainly did not.
How was I abusive towards my ex-fiance?
- I was jealous and insecure
- I looked through his phone
- When I blacked out, I was reckless
- I’d scream at him
- I’d accuse him of things that were unrealistic
- I called him foul names and treated him so badly
- I did drugs behind his back
- And I’d cause fights in public for no reason
I’m not proud of my actions. Taking accountability for my behavior and not repeating my actions are my saving grace.
In retaliation, he was also abusive.
- My ex-fiance would break glasses and picture frames around our home
- Slam car doors so hard that if my arm was there it most likely would have been chopped off
- Call me names
- Disappear for days and not answer his phone.
- He often threatened me saying that he could kill me with one punch
Ending an Unhealthy Relationship
Our relationship was completely deteriorating. We were at a loss of what to do.
Three months before our wedding day, we got in an argument and I told him that I was going to call his dad or the police if he didn’t stop threatening to hurt me.
He physically attacked me. He threw a glass of Gatorade on me and grabbed my arm so hard that I had a handprint bruise on my arm.
I ran out of the apt to my doorman and called my sister. I was hysterical crying.
My sister came to pick me up and I spent the night at her apartment. I did not spend another night with my ex-fiance.
I broke up with him and called off our wedding.
Here’s one good tip – If you’re feeling more unhappy than happy in a relationship it’s NOT good.
Abuse, whether it’s verbal, physical, mental, emotional is unacceptable.
We should only engage in relationships that make us a better person. A connection that makes us stronger not tears us apart.
Signs of Unhealthy Relationships
- Act jealous and possessive
- Control your partner’s freedom
- Criticize, fight and lie
- Make threats and have an explosive temper
- Hide negative feelings from your friends
- Limit the time that you spend with friends and use isolation as a tactic
- The feelings and passion are chaotic, confusing, overwhelming and scary
- Physically hurt in any way
- Pressure to do things and manipulate
- Unable to talk openly and honestly
Leaving an Unhealthy Relationship
- Threatens to kill you
- Threatens to kill him or herself
- Has a gun or a weapon
- Has ever used a weapon to scare, threaten or hurt you
- Brags that they have killed or will kill someone else
- Puts his or her hands around your throat to scare or harm you
- Threatens to hurt someone you care about
- Destroys your property
- Harms a pet
- Follows you, shows up unexpectedly or demands to know your whereabouts
- Steals or withholds money from you
- Interferes with your communication with family or friends
- Becomes more and more physically abusive
- Controls most or all of your daily activities
- Is extremely jealous or possessive
- Is capable of killing you
- Drinks excessively or uses drugs and becomes abusive
- Has ever or would elude law enforcement
GET HELP – FAST!
There is NEVER an excuse for someone who uses physical violence. There is NOTHING that makes this okay. No one ever deserves to be hit, hurt or strangled.
Self-love and care ALWAYS come first.